Thinking.

Isn't it scary just letting yourself go?

Letting go to the point where it's hard to control the way you feel. To the point where sometimes you just can't help to let go, because it's just so exhilarating, not being in control. Not knowing what's going to happen. Not knowing how things are going to end up. Not being able to say no, or yes. Just sitting back, and letting everything and everyone else take the reigns. Sometimes it just feels so good. Putting your faith in everything else. Putting your FATE in everything else. You never know how things are going to turn out, and when they turn out well, it's completely amazing.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Hm.

Another Day.

I want to build a life with you. I want you to be that one. That one that is everything to me. The one who I can count on, turn to, love, adore and admire. You've had my heart since day one, and you know that, but things are different. There used to be such strong feelings involved and maybe it's just because I don't hear, or see those words anymore. Maybe I'm just missing that part. But it's what I got used to, what I fell for. It's hard when you love something so much, and then it's gone. Maybe it was just because it was the beginning, but maybe I have to work on making it all come back. Is it possible? I'm not sure. But don't they say that nothing is impossible? I believe that. And I also believe everything happens for a reason, but what is the reason for this? What's the reason that the words and chemistry I loved more than anything, just faded into the background. I'm sick of being comfortable. I want some variety. I want it back. It was all so great then, back when it was jokes and love and laughter. Back when it was us, love, and nothing else. What happened to those songs with such meaning. The ones I over analyzed and yet fell for. The ones you used to tell me how you felt because you didn't have the words. But you did, and you told me all the time. You never let me forget. And now, it seems I have to dig so deep, just to get that all back. Maybe I'm asking too much, and maybe I'll never get to see that 'you' again, but hey,

a girl can dream..
can't she?

Did You Forget?

I guess sometimes as you get older you forget about the dreams you used to have. The ones as a toddler, as a child, the ones you used to be so passionate about. Until one day they just all come back to you.
When I was younger I used to sing. Sing in the shower, sing like no one was watching. In elementary chorus concerts, having solos. Singing while looking into the mirror. The whole nine yards. And I guess for not doing it for so long, I just kind of lost it. I remember having such power with my voice. I couldn't tell you how many times I brought people to tears (tears of joy, of course). But just now, sitting here listening to music, it's slightly coming back. I doubt I'll ever be able to get into it again, but realizing what I left behind, is actually almost bringing ME to tears. I'm listening to this song right now, called "Don't Forget" by Demi Lovato. And while it's probably about her and someone else. I'm kind of taking it as a song to myself. Kinda crazy how you can relate to someone you don't even know, through their words and music, to a song that is probably about something completely different. It's kind of like, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, everyone has their own way of looking at and interpreting things, right?

Did you forget?

That's all for now. Just had to get that out.

Alter Ego

This is a conversation that Meg and I had while both playing this:

http://www.theblackforge.net/

Me (2:05:39 PM): Ohmygod.

Me (2:06:03 PM): Now that you have thought about some of the major preparations, the weeks fly by until your wedding date.
The time that passes is crucial and can determine the future success of your entire marriage. Everyone has their share of problems during this time. Unfortunately, this includes you, too. Approximately one week before the wedding, you discover that Rick had a casual affair with a perfect stranger during a weak moment at some point during your engagement.

Me (2:06:19 PM): WHAT THE FUCK

Me (2:06:30 PM): I WALKED AWAY FROM CHEATING ON THAT BASTARD

Meggie (2:06:49 PM): i pooped

Meggie (2:06:49 PM): lol

Me (2:06:54 PM): lmao

Me (2:07:00 PM): i broke up with him

Meggie (2:07:02 PM): all by myself

Me (2:07:03 PM): time for a new guy

Meggie (2:07:07 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me (2:07:15 PM): fucking rick the dick.

Meggie (2:07:15 PM): what a tool

Me (2:07:23 PM): im going for josh

Me (2:07:35 PM): nope

Me(2:07:43 PM): josh isnt confident or attractive.

Me (2:07:45 PM): new guy pls

Meggie (2:07:50 PM): cant you murder him or something?

Me (2:07:55 PM): I WISH

Get Over It.

I'm not so sure what causes it, but lately when someone else is complaining about how horrible they feel, and how they're pretty much wasting precious time and effort (so I think) on people who aren't the best for them, it makes me thank God that I have certain people in my life. I don't know why but they sit here moaning about being upset, and how some one is just completely disregarding their feelings, and yet somehow make excuses for that person. I could never do that. If I'm gonna complain about something, I'm going to back it. I'm not about to say 'well this person is doing this, and making me feel this certain way', then two seconds later be like 'well this person has a lot on their plate'. Everyone has a lot on their plate in one way or another. It's just the way the world works. You think that you have it bad? Well there are people in this world who have it WAY WORSE. Then people come to you for advice, and when you're giving it your best effort, and being truthful, then all of the sudden they don't want to hear what you have to say. It's not my fault that you're in denial, it's not my fault that you're letting yourself be walked all over, it's yours. If you want my opinion, deal with it. Don't disregard what I have to say because you don't like what it is that I'm telling you. If you're gonna do that, then what's the point in asking my opinion in the first place? I've been through a lot in my life, and I sure as hell am not going to sit here and back someone up, and make excuses for them WHEN I KNOW that they're just completely not even caring about my feelings. You know what though? Go ahead, keep making excuses for them, that will get you real far. Oh, what's that? You don't know why you're feeling this way? Really now. When you sit here telling me what's wrong and how you feel and all of that, yet you don't know why you're feeling that? Yes, yes you do know. You just don't want to admit it. You don't want to admit that someone important in your life is 'too busy' and has 'too much going on' to even give you just a minute of their day. You can sit here for a half hour telling me about what they're doing wrong, about how they are acting, but why not just go tell them? They have something important going on, huh? Well shouldn't you be a priority for them? If you're THAT involved, come on now. Just spill it, tell them how you feel. What, are you scared that they're gonna leave you if you speak up and tell them all of your feelings and emotions? Do you think they'll just disregard your feelings? Then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. Oh what? You don't want to tell them how you feel NOW, when you're feeling it. You'll wait a few days to tell them? I guess if you can WAIT to tell them, then it isn't THAT important.
Seriously though. I couldn't sit through that. I wouldn't. I thank God for being given someone who I don't have to make excuses for. For someone who cares enough about my feelings.

Winter Arrives. (Just Rambling)

It was a snowy December night, the kind of night where you watch the snow fall out the window glistening in the rays of the streetlights, sipping hot chocolate with melted little marshmallows, in a cozy robe and slippers. You've seen the snow fall a million times before, and still it's one of the most beautiful sights in the world. Your breath fogs the enormous picture window and as it does, you pull your sleeve over your hand and gently wipe it from the flawlessly clean glass. The fireplace crackles with glee and cheer warming the stockings hung from the mantle. The smell of burning wood, and that cinnamon apple air freshener makes everything feel right. It's the holiday season and nothing can go wrong. The clear starry night sky leads you right back to all of those times you've spent just gazing. Sitting outside, bundled in your home-knitted scarf and black beanie. Your favorite winter jacket with the satin pink lining and your breath becoming visible thanks to the crisp winter air. Everything is fresh and clean. The untouched snow that you know you want to go run on, but don't because it's just too beautiful, so you walk along the road, listening ever so closely to that crunching noise the slush and semi-hardened snow makes when your foot sinks down. Crunch. Crunch. The roads covered in black ice, too icy to drive upon, so it's nothing but silence. The serenity of the winter relaxes you, and soon enough you don't even realize how cold you are. You don't even realize that your hands are so cold you can barely move your fingers. You're so consumed by snow topped trees, the cool flakes falling upon your nose, melting on contact. Chills linger up your spine, making you wiggle a bit, but it doesn't bother you. Nothing could come between you and this winter night (except maybe that harsh winter breeze and wind chill that drops the temperature to about negative five). You go back to that untouched snow, and you know that more will keep falling, so you let yourself fall. You let yourself go and as you do, the blanket of snow catches you, and it feels perfect. Moving your legs in and out, your arms up and down. And there it is, that little piece of heaven. That snow angel. You prop yourself up, take a step back and smile. Though it's not the best you could do, it doesn't matter. You suddenly feel blessed. That angel reminds you that it's the 'most wonderful time of the year'. You close your eyes and spin around with your arms out to the sides, maybe even open your mouth to catch a few snowflakes on your tongue and laugh. It brings you back to those days where nothing really mattered, when you had it all. Those silly Christmas carols come to your mind and you catch yourself singing the lyrics to 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas'. Driving around catching a glimpse at all the Christmas lights hung on all the houses, and all the trees in everybody's windows. It's the holidays, it's the most amazing time of the year. And as the night grows older, you head back inside. Your cheeks are a rosy read, and your hands so cold that your fingers are more like icicles. You head for bed and snuggle up in those featherdown comforters and flanel sheets, dreaming of sugarplums, reindeer and times when all was well. And as you're about to fall into a deep and peaceful sleep, you find yourself whispering, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

Ain't This Life So Sweet

A million times, and a million times before thoughts like this have brushed against my mind. Love, life, passion. Romance and sunsets, long walks on the beach, slow dancing on main street. We all have things that turn our gears, that makes our lives more worth living. Simple pleasures, holding hands, those two minutes in which the words "I love you" are said, those two minutes that you just want to stop, and drag on forever. You never want that particular moment to end, but it does. You take it and lock it away in a secret place. A special compartment deep within your heart, your soul, and your sole being. Moments like that are defining.
Your heart flutters. It skips and all of the sudden you just feel, warm. You're consumed with each solitary moment, grabbing hold and not letting go. No way for it to slip through the cracks between your fingers. You have never felt this way before. You never thought you could, not in a million years. You close your eyes softly only to realize you've taken yourself somewhere else. Somewhere perfect and genuine, full of your sacred thoughts. All of those memories, brought out in your mind, in silent lucidity. It all feels real and you fall in love all over again. You can nearly taste each kiss you envision, as if you were really being kissed, and you're right back in the moment. Right back in that perfect minute, reliving everything over and over again. There's that perfect song, those perfect words, and that flawless piano. You not only sit back and listen, but you hear, you hear each finger brush against those ebony and ivory keys. It's the most beautiful song you've ever heard. It's the song of your life, and you've made it yours. You've taken something so simple and made it into the most beautiful thing in the world. It's your life. Your happiness, your smile and laughter. And most of all it's his love for you, and yours for him. The most true and pure thing you could ever have, and it's all yours.